1. Aquariums are not as cruel as I thought In most amateur aquariums the fish are enclosed in an area not more than 20 times their length. Any human would find a similar situation unbearable, so it is natural for us to empathise with the fish’s plight. However, anyone watching aquarium fish will note that they rarely appear distressed, content to swim around the various artificial attempts at re-creating an undersea playground. While one may interpret this merely as evidence of the fish being resigned to their fate, it is when snorkelling that one realises the truth. Most reef fish are lazy hermits. Despite the ready availability of hundreds of square kilometres of reef, the majority of fish species will hang out at the one piece of coral for as long as you have patience to keep watching them. And when you return on your way back to the pier they’re still there, seemingly having not moved from their position in hours. Many other fish float in static schools, which make for great and reliable photo spots, presumably waiting for the right plankton or micro-organism to float past in the current. Even the turtles will pick at a piece of coral or rock for hours on end, providing entertainment to multiple snorkelling groups, excitedly confirming the turtle’s maintained position to their earlier rising colleagues once back on shore. Aquarium owners can thus hardly be considered cruel, when they are providing a similar level of entertainment to their reef fish as they would want in the wild. 2. Fish are good at following traffic rules Unlike reef fish, their ocean-going relatives spend most of their time moving. Not particularly fast, mind you, but moving nonetheless. While snorkelling on the reef’s edge, at any one time there will be up to a hundred fish of various species travelling parallel to the reef below and beside you. Curiously, despite the many metres of water depth that they could be travelling in, the fish will usually be found in 2 or 3 lanes, following the fish in front of them for as long as you may care to watch. Of course there’s the occasional maverick swimming off alone by itself but for the most part, the fish will all be collected in their lanes, even if that means much slower travel times and probably less opportunity for each individual fish to catch food that may drift past in the current. When you return on later days the lanes have changed height and may even have changed direction around the circular reef, but are still very much present. Whether this is a safety-in-numbers attempt at warding off predators, a way of reducing drag and thus increasing swimming efficiency, or the result of some advanced underwater co-ordination system orchestrated by intelligent dolphins, fish rarely deviate from their lanes once in them, setting an example for angry rush-hour commuters everywhere. 3. Everything is more scared of you than you of it It’s a truism about most potentially dangerous animals, with the potential exceptions of apex predators such as bears, lions, and orcas, that they usually want nothing to do with you unless provoked or threatened. The same is very much true of reef creatures encountered while snorkelling where everything will swim away from you if you get too close, including the sharks and rays. This can make for amusing GoPro videos of fish swimming away in fright from one snorkeller, only to swim straight back when they encounter another. It’s also amusing and strangely satisfying to see the tell-tale column of bubbles going up and jettisoned yellow excretum drifting down when a fish suddenly changes direction after spotting your camera in its face. 4. The sun burns The greatest advantage of dark skin is undoubtedly one’s resistance to sunburn. If you were similarly melanocytically endowed and grew up in white-majority middle-class Australia this probably resulted in a fairly cavalier indifference to sunscreen and hats. This all changes when you spend hours in a semi-prone position on the water’s surface in the hot midday sun 2 degrees north of the equator. Even dark skin won’t protect you there and you quickly gain respect for the power of sunscreen and a T-shirt to keep you cool. If your paler companions are feeling generous you may also experience the wondrous effects of aloe vera, and vow to never again mock your aloe vera jelly eating friends. 5. Keeping your head above water is 99% of swimming
The snorkelling breathing apparatus is a wondrous thing. With it on you can float on the water’s surface for potentially hours without even lifting your head, spending all that time looking down on the explosion of colour and movement below you (and having your back assaulted by the sun – see point 4). Without having to turn your head for a breath your movements through the water become effortless and you can concentrate on enjoying the view rather than staying alive. When you take the gear off again it’s as if you’ve suddenly been tossed overboard in a raging maelstrom with blinding salt water stinging your eyes, nose, and mouth while you fight to keep your head, or at least your mouth, high enough to gulp down a breath. The snorkelling mask is indeed the poor swimmer’s greatest friend.
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Going paintballing. The quintessential male bonding exercise that brings together nerds and jocks alike, it was surprising that I’d managed to avoid it for so long. But when an appropriate life milestone presented itself, off my friendship group went to the closest paintball range. If you’ve grown up playing first-person shooters, paintball teaches you a lot about the realities of war, or at least as close a version as a young male living in suburbia is likely to experience. 1. Getting shot hurts And I mean really hurts. When you get hit in a game (unless it’s a shot to the head) the screen flashes red for a moment while you keep shooting away until you or your opponent dies or escapes. When hit by a paintball you’re usually forced to stop. Whether it’s to catch your breath from being winded by a gutshot or because you’ve stumbled after being shot in the leg, a paintball while you’re running usually puts an end to that particular sortie. The obligatory photo of shirtless thoraces covered in bruises at the game’s end belies quite a lot of pain endured over the preceding hours. 2. Adrenaline is the best medicine You may think that after a few bruises and a couple of falls few people would want to keep playing. But when you’re pinned down and being shot at from all sides you suddenly find that what was very painful a moment ago quickly fades out of consciousness to become just a mild sting that irritates you when you get shot again nearby. It’s undoubtedly a survival mechanism to enable the overriding concern of survival to temporarily trump the body’s usual primary concern of maintaining its integrity. But like all good things, the adrenaline soon comes to an end and when the battered and bruised players are piling into their cars their actions are accompanied by a veritable chorus of moans and groans. As the apocryphal story goes, World War II veterans would return from battle to the field hospitals where they would sit stoically, bearing cuts and gashes of all sizes with barely a complaint, only to cry out in pain as the nurse cannulated a vein to give them penicillin. The modern equivalent involves gallantly telling one’s partner you’re alright before scurrying to the bathroom to inundate Facebook with selfies of bruises. 3. The sun is your worst enemy, and your best friend It’s not until you’re wearing a cumbersome full face helmet and visor covered in sweat and grime that you appreciate how difficult it is to see with the sun in your eyes. As it drops lower in the sky it makes it more and more difficult to see anyone to the north or west; added to the inherent inaccuracy of spinning paintballs and you’ve got no chance of hitting anyone while the sun is in front of you. Conversely, pinning someone down while the sun’s behind you drastically improves your ability to hit them without getting hit in return. 4. Covering fire works It’s almost a given that someone in a war movie will shout “Cover me!” dramatically before running into danger and it’s a popular enough thing to have your character say during many games of the same genre. It was not until I experienced being ‘covered’ first hand that I realised the true value of covering fire, something I had previously thought of as wasting bullets in a vainglorious attempt to imitate Rambo. Once most people get shot a few times (see point 1), a game of paintball quickly bogs down into everyone hiding behind cover and peeping out every few seconds to fire off a few rounds at a wayward knee or elbow. Anyone brave enough to run out to a pre-planned objective is rapidly brought to a stop by a barrage of paintballs fired from relative safety. Fairly soon, one team works out that when you’re firing at the other players camped out behind cover, they’re usually not trying to fire back. Thus, you can ensure the safety of your running teammates by ‘wasting’ bullets that fly past and cannot hit the hiding opposition players, but ensure they don’t move to a position where they can fire back but only by exposing themselves to the offending bullets. 5. Your quads are capable of a level of soreness you never thought possible A lot of paintball involves crouching, squatting, and running, often at the same time. When you’re crouching down you’re a significantly smaller target and much less likely to get shot. You don’t even realise that you’re doing it and pretty soon you’ve spent a good 20 minutes with your knees bent, something that would normally result in your legs being on fire (see point 2). But no matter how painful, getting hit again by a paintball is something you definitely want to avoid more, so you stay squatting even while running significant distances across the field. For the average non-athlete that the sport attracts, this results in the next day being completed in a half-squat that suggests to others you haven’t eaten enough fibre, in an effort to prevent the burning pain associated with any attempt to fully straighten the knee. In all, paintball is highly enjoyable and gives one new appreciation for the rigours of war. Just wear thick pants and do some squats beforehand. |
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